call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
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My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.
To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”