Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat

Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:

Commit Fraud

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

*at casino*

When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.

It will leave him speechless.

I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.

Always leave them wanting their money back.

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

go easy on yourself <3

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah