call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
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Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I bet
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
just having fun
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
So true for me
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat