call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
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Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.