Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

My first day of student teaching my pants zipper broke. I stapled that bad boy shut… carefully.

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed

30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed

As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God

If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.

Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.

Sup?

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”