Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head

If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.

The only time I’ll care about Basketball:

lmfao come on

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.

i think my razor is having a panic attack

There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five