Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
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Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Pickled cat.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.