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nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
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Facebook memories be like
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.