Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold

Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*

Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.

When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”

I reply, “Good. You?”

And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.

He never makes plans to go out.

I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.

Who.
Did.
This?

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.