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Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.