Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
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As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
When your best mate counts as a desk too
