Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
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I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.