Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.

Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

No point crayon over spilled milk.

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.