Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

Yup.

Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

The days of good grammer has went

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

Psychiatrist: You seem much better!

Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.

ME: i joined CrossFit

PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin

[inventing the boomerang]

OH SHIT, IT’S BACK

Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

Local community Facebook groups are like:
“Anyone know what day is garden waste collection?”
↪️ “Ours is Friday but I don’t live anywhere near you”
↪️ “Friday is my daughter Lesley’s birthday.”

The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire