“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
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Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
i think my razor is having a panic attack
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
they really do be looking like this
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
A leaf blower, but for people.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.