Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Call me a burglar, except all I take is things personally.
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me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
*runs into coworker at store*
*pretends I don’t speak English*
me: How long are you going to keep throwing that in my face?!
Netflix: Because you watched “The Wedding Planner”
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
interviewer: how are you with excel
me: i hate it
interviewer: an experienced user then