Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
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angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Ok cat haters, explain this…
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.