Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

*cooking omelette for GF*

Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”

Gf: “Sure baby”

*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

This meeting could have been a cake

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

Me: I banged your Mom.

My Son: I know, Dad. I know.

This will never not be funny to me.

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.