Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
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“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?