Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???

If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day

This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.

KID FREE for DAYS!

So I licked her face.

On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

Caveman: This game is stupid.

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.

Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.