Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.

You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

[phone rings]

ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass

HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.