call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
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“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
And then there were 4
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls