Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.

Sunday, slutty Sunday.

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.

Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.

Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

[on deathbed – calls for son]

“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”

Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

Cold.

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry

My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s

cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis

when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch

when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.

My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?

Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.

– Dog Logic

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.