Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…

Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.

“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores

I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!

Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

ㅤ

Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.

*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”

Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.

Well, this explains it:

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.