Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

Livid.

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…