Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
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I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
so this horse walks into a bar
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.