call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
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Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
File under excellent bookstore names.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”