“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
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I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
What a website
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.