“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
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Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.