Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death

Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement

If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?

I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll steal their horse and turn it into glue.

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

My daily affirmation

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!