Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con

My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair

bus driver: well, i do not

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..

I said, you too..

Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”

Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.

Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto