Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
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IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
when unicorns get really drunk
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.