Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
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If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.