Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
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If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
A French press is when you hug naked
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Text: can I talk to you about something?
Me: throws phone in ocean
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.