Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
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I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast