Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
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Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”