Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
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would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less