Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap

My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

[in doomsday bunker]

wife: we’re out of food

me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive

chicken: yes but who?

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

Haha! 😂

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.

Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.