Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
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If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.