Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
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Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer