Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
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Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I wish this was real life…
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.
*reads your timeline*
Or maybe not
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!