Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
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I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
I’m being attacked 😭
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!