Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
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Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Creepy-crawlies
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
do u think theres a butter planet?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.