Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
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I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Don’t go keto, go pirate. Rum, fish and beef jerky diet 💯
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.