Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
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wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.
Police say they have several leads
#Police
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!