Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
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Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
How I’d get arrested…
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire