Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
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[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
If only.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.