Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.

judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

me: no

judge: [covers mic] what do I do

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam

I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

Me: I’m really into architecture.

Her: Contemporary…modern?

Me: LEGO.