Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
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Noah was an idiot.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
The three genders
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?