Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
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I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
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(人__つ_つ
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party