Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

This squirrel eats better than I do

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.

so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one

I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

🧵 1/246

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

Hello consequences, my actions went that way.

Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?

Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?

Owner: …you’re fired.

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*

Noah: nope.

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*

professor x: what’s your power

me: time travel and a full head of hair lol

professor x: get out

[5 seconds later]

professor x: what’s your power

me, wearing a hat: time travel

Of course I stay hydrated.

Carbohydrated