Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

#HatDadJoke

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻‍♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

こいつ天才

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.

i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one