Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??

Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?

[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]

Black cat: You got me boss

I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.

Me: Not until you turn the heat down.

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

got so much cardio in today

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.

10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.

It was thirty seconds til daybreak

I waited patiently

And then it dawned on me

it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey

[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.