Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
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I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today