Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –

Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…

Me: yeah

I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

Me: You should have been more specific

Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel

Me: ok that does make more sense

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…

and standing outside your door…

and playing the harmonica.

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.

Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.

Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9

Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.

Friend: Why are you like this?

Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life