Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”

It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.

Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.

If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

Overheard neighborhood story:

First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog

Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.

He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.

With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.

I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.

JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.