Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

“I missed you today.”

“Awwww I missed you too.”

*both frantically reload dueling pistols*

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”

That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?

Sit. Down.

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.

It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.

Told her not to worry, someone else will.

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.