Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
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Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Honey I made you some hotdog water
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills