Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
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I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
🤣🤣🤣
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this