Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
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“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
meow
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.