Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
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Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
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You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve