Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.

I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.

Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

“no gods no masters” = leo

I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.

Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss