Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
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The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
lol
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).