Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
You Might Also Like
This is my bus stop.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander