Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
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teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.