Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
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[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
your elf on the shelf was delicious
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
