Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.

Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

This is enough internet for the day.

uh oh

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.

Me:

Husband:

Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

i feel so bad i refunded him

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

If you just start drinking the Dove body wash, people let you skip in line.