Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
You Might Also Like
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying