Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
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I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Wait a minute
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*