Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.

In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.

I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.

My favorite type of men is ramen.

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where

Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?

Yes. these are prescription Oreos.