Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
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I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms